Rule Breakers

This week I was fascinated as I read part of Bernard Poduska's book, "Till Debt Do Us Part". Some of the conflict in my marriage has stemmed from very different money management styles for me and my husband. The chapter I read was focused on rules that follow us into our marriages from our family of origin, and also the typical money management styles according to birth order. My husband is a first born, and I am a last born. I actually laughed out loud as I read the analysis of those birth orders, since my husband and I apparently switched management styles in some sort of Freaky Friday-esque personality swap.

According to research cited by Poduska, first borns place a high value on self control, and view impulse spending as a serious character flaw. They value sacrifice and planning before any purchase, and are often at odds with others over their miserly ways. Conversely, last borns supposedly lack any self control when it comes to money, and will buy whatever they want, whenever they want- regardless of the financial consequences.

The most fascinating thing about the information was that both my husband and I have many of the classic traits of our respective birth orders- he has a need to control and is very driven, while I am extremely easy going and value feelings over results. It's only in the financial realm that we completely depart from expected behaviors. I manage all of the bills and bank accounts and have major frustration over my husband's inability to budget and resist impulse purchases.

As I thought about financial behaviors in each of our family of origin vs. our birth order, I have to conclude that what happens in our family of origin has a more powerful impact than birth order. My husband was raised in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck and moved multiple times each year to find greener grass. They never had enough money to pay their bills, but would go to Disneyland or professional sporting events. On the other hand, my family was very financially secure, but both of my parents are extremely frugal and we never spent money frivolously. Shopping around for the best price and only buying what was needed were ingrained in our minds. In both of our families, both parents seemed to follow the same money philosophy.

Since we have never been able to mesh our money management styles, I wonder what traits our children will take away from our family?

The Importance of Conseling Together

I've been thinking a lot lately about how important it is to take the time in marriage to have one on one councils with your spouse. I've been married to my husband for 24 years, and though we've had many family councils, we have never made a point to regularly counsel together one on one in an organized, pre-determined meeting. I read a chapter this week from Elder M. Russell Ballard's book "Counseling with Councils" where he outlined the pattern of appropriate council meetings from the highest church councils involving the First Presidency and Quorum of the twelve to small councils held at the ward level. Respect and humility are key factors in a successful council, and miraculous revelation can be received as those in a council participate as guided by the Holy Ghost.

President Stephen L. Richards said:

“I don’t know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church...without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. The Council of the Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, the Council of the Stake Presidency, or quorum, if you choose to use that work, the Council of the Bishopric, and the quorum or Council of the Quorum Presidency. I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but I see the wisdom, God’s wisdom, in creating councils… to govern His kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord… represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit.”

Isn't marriage the ultimate organization within the church? If husband and wife prayerfully counseled together regularly to humbly hear each other's views and come to a consensus about every issue in their relationship or family, imagine how much less contention and resentment there would be! I am excited to implement councils into my marriage. I know that we will be blessed as we use the Lord's pattern for decision making in our marriage.