Contracts and Covenants

This week I did some reading on what it takes to have a covenant marriage. In our modern society, many marriages fail because the relationship is based more on a contract than on a covenant. In a contract relationship, each party is expected to give 50% so all things are fair and equitable. In a covenant relationship, each party gives 100% and places the needs of their partner above their own.

I was particularly impressed with a talk by Bruce C. Hafen about covenant marriage. He described three wolves that threaten every marriage. I pondered how each of these wolves applied to my own marriage.

I thought about the first wolf of natural adversity. Some of the recent trials that we have faced include the stress of caring for my aging parents in our home, and some unexpected injuries and illnesses that have taxed our finances. I thought about how difficult it is not to allow resentment to enter into our relationship when one of us perceives that the other is not pulling his weight, or blames the other for unfortunate incidents that cause hardship for our family.

Reflecting on the second wolf of our own imperfections led me to some profound thoughts and realizations about myself and about my husband. I became more aware of how I overlook my own weaknesses at times, and yet cannot resist shining a spotlight on my husband’s. We all have need of improvement in one way or another, and sometimes when we see our own flaws in another person, we are more harsh than we should be. I was reminded of the power of encouragement, and want to be better at making my husband feel valued instead of criticized.

The third wolf of excessive individualism is difficult to overcome when we are constantly bombarded with the ideas of the world that tell us that we need to look out for ourselves, and that we should not be dependent on anyone. I have found that when I feel determined to exert my independence, there is more distance between me and my husband. We need to need each other- it binds us together. I loved Elder Hafen’s quote at the end of his talk:

“May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy.”