Marital Bliss- Fact or Fiction?

What is the best way to improve your marriage? I just started reading two books about marriage that appear to take different approaches to answering this question.

In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, H. Wallace Goddard sites the parable of the Good Samaritan and suggests that in our marriages, the answers to our problems can be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ-practicing compassion and empathy toward our spouse and elevating ourselves above our mortal weaknesses. One of my favorite quotes so far:

“Jesus’ infinite grace and goodness can conquer our smallness, selfishness, and peevishness. There is no arena of life where this conquest is more needed than in the scuffing and irritations of marriage. Marriage is perfectly designed to provoke us to desperation. It will sometimes leave us injured and half-dead. Priests and Levites, or therapists and advisors-will not ultimately rescue us. They may give us helpful pointers, but they cannot change our souls.”

How profound! I was just remarking to my niece this week as she expressed some frustration with some differences that she was having with her husband that our spouses are the main source of our refinement here on earth. I'm reminded once again of my total dependence on my Savior, and of His power to redeem me from fault finding and score keeping in my marriage. I am excited to continue reading this book, and working hard to invite Christ into my marriage.

The other book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, uses specific behaviors and skills to improve relationships, and relies heavily on the theory that good marriages are based on strong friendships. Dr. Gottman states:

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

The author has done extensive research and has concluded that there are certain behaviors that doom a marriage and certain behaviors that enhance a marriage. He claims to be able to predict divorce with a high percentage of accuracy by observing a couple for a short time. Reading the example interactions he included to illustrate which couples he predicted would succeed, and which couples would divorce made me wonder what he would say to my husband and me if he watched us trying to solve a problem. As I pondered that, it occurred to me that maybe some people are naturally able to develop and continue to nurture that strong friendship that Gottman refers to, and maybe others that Gottman would doom to defeat actually succeed because they partner with the Savior.

In thinking about the two different approaches, I have to conclude (based on my own experiences in marriage) that both improving basic character and acquiring specific skills are needed in combination to have the most success. There have been times when I have seen someone practicing a specific skill, but lacking the emotional connection that makes the skill effective. Without underlying Christlike attributes, behaviors can seem hollow and lack meaning. That's not to say that we shouldn't start somewhere! Sometimes we have to practice showing more charity toward our spouse without having the real desire behind it. They may see through it at first, but as we continue to try, those feelings of charity will come. The Lord won't let us down!