Fidelity Traps

As I pondered the concept of purity and fidelity in marriage this week, my initial impression was that I am grateful that I have never really struggled with temptation to be untrue to my husband. However, the question came to me that while I have never developed a relationship with another man that could in any way be construed as disloyal or inappropriate, could my critical thoughts about my husband and what think he should be like, and wish he would be like be considered a lack of emotional fidelity? Am I creating an impossible standard for him, and withholding my own best efforts until he becomes that made-up, perfect man? I'm not cheating on him, but am I cheating him out of the love and affection I should be giving to who he is now, instead of always wishing he were something different?

Thinking about it differently motivated me to be on guard for any future issues that would undermine my complete fidelity to my husband. I'm sure the majority of those who fall into the trap of infidelity never imagined that they would be untrue to their spouse. In his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," Goddard provides a list of 10 guidelines that can prevent infidelity in marriage:

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Do not look on another woman or man with lust. Do not entertain mental fantasies of romance or passion. Do not let your mind be poisoned with the sick encounters in soap operas, worldly literature, or any form of pornography.

2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Guard the level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.

3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. You do not have the right to be "cute" or flirty with anyone but your spouse. Do not use cards, gifts or charm to win the affection of anyone who is not your spouse.

4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out of your mind promptly. When you are worried about the intruder, pray for him or her and trust Heavenly Father to care for him or her. The untangling of excuses and emotional dependence can be the hardest part of overcoming the addiction.

5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. Talk with your bishop or stake president. Seek out the help of friends who will help you overcome your addiction.

6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Have weekly dates doing those things that you enjoy together. Find ways to improve your relationship. Be patient. Recognize that many of our frustrations with our spouses are built on the false assumption that they ought to be a certain way. Change your assumptions. Recognize that even the best marriages have more or less satisfying times. Be patient. Be true to your covenants. Enjoy your partner as he or she is. It is easy to believe that things will never be right with your spouse. Trust the Lord that He can heal all wounds.

7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask for strength to put temptation out of your mind. Fill your empty places with service, scripture study, and love for your family.

8. Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't allow yourself to spend time alone with the person. Avoiding is better than resisting. Make your spouse a partner in all of your efforts to help a person of the opposite sex.

9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography. The greatest sin of pornography may be that it reduces the sacrament of intimacy to a random and wanton act of self-gratification. Preserve or renew your awe in the blessing of simple acts of affection.

10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. The amazing message from our marriage partners is: "I'm trusting you with my life, my body, my hopes, my dreams. Please be kind and gentle." Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust. If we have squandered any part of it, we should work to re-qualify for it.

I am committed to being more watchful of my own level of fidelity to my husband and my marriage. I hope this list will help you to inventory your own relationships and make sure that you do not get caught in a trap of infidelity!

Gems

As I finished reading the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard this week, I tried hard to internalize some of the valuable insights and truths that I have learned as I read.
I think I have had more "aha" moments while reading this book than I have for a long time.

This week I read the chapter on Charity, (which has really been an underlying theme throughout the book) in addition to the conclusion and epilogue. I felt a real sense that I have the power to change and improve my marriage, and I also felt that I have needed to practice more humility in facing the challenges that I have in my marriage. I actually feel such sadness that I was not able to see a better way 24 years ago. I know that many of the problems that I have thought were insurmountable and not at all my fault could have been minimized or even overcome if I would have had more understanding of what the marriage covenant requires of me. I am definitely making both of the books from my marriage class required reading for my children when they get engaged!

One small part of Goddard's conclusion had a profound impact on me. He is actually quoting Catherine Thomas:

"Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love that we ourselves are not giving in the present."

As I thought about the times when I have felt slighted in some way, or times that I have blamed my husband for not making me feel loved or appreciated enough, I pondered the idea that maybe the solution all along was to love him more freely. The Savior has taught us to love and forgive over and over again. And yet I hold grudges and give less than my best to punish my husband's weaknesses, instead of shining a laser light on his strengths and rejoicing in them.

President Ezra Taft Benson once delivered a powerful message:

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expend their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life."

I am committed to moving forward with faith that God can make my marriage so much more beautiful than I ever imagined if I am willing to turn it over to Him. I want my husband to know that I am his greatest cheerleader and can see the goodness in him. Some practical ways I am trying to do these things:

• Praying and studying the scriptures each day with my mind turned to allowing my Heavenly Father to improve my marriage.
• Praying for my husband's happiness.
• Pausing before I speak if I feel annoyed or critical of my husband, and then speaking an encouraging thought instead.
• Finding time every day to tell my husband something I sincerely appreciate about him.
• Telling other people positive things about my husband.

I have already seen positive changes, and have faith that my marriage will become better and better the more and harder I try. 

Consecration

Every week I have a little more gratitude for the gems of truth that I learn in the marriage class I am currently taking. This week was certainly no exception as we studied about managing conflict and consecration. I am learning more and more that knowledge is power, and having specific tools to use to improve marriage is a powerful thing. I find myself reacting less, and thinking more when conflict arises in my relationships.

I was particularly touched by the chapter I read in H. Wallace Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" about consecration. Goddard referenced the story of Abraham and Isaac to illustrate consecration.  Most of us have heard the poignant story of Abraham and Sarah who desired a son all their lives, and then were miraculously blessed with Isaac in their old age. As I reflected on the grace of my Heavenly Father in blessing my husband and I with a beautiful daughter through adoption, when my body could no longer carry more biological children, I felt that I had a glimpse of how much Abraham and Sarah must have cherished and adored Isaac. How would I have reacted to learning that God required my precious Mia to be sacrificed? Would I have been as faithful as Abraham? Probably not. And what if I were Isaac? Would I die to prove my devotion to God?

But how does Abraham and Isaac's experience relate to marriage? Here is Goddard's explanation:

"Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls."

I thought a lot about the idea of consecrating myself to my husband. Have I always dedicated myself to the sacred unity of our marriage? Have I been willing to sacrifice my own ideas of how things should be done? Have I worried less about his behavior and more about mine? There is plenty of room for me to be more devoted to the important things, and less worried about the little things. I know that my husband is a beloved son of God, and God trusts me to be his committed companion, consecrating everything I have to helping us both return to His presence- perfected and unified.

Pride Goeth Before the Fall

This week in my marriage class we discussed the importance of humility in marriage, and allowing our spouse to influence us. I had the opportunity to read an awesome talk by Ezra Taft Benson that I hadn't read for years. If you have never read it, or haven't read it for a long time, I highly recommend it! This talk was a reminder of how pride can destroy our relationships and halt our eternal progression. I thought a lot about times when I have been prideful in my relationship with my husband, and missed opportunities to be influenced by the Holy Ghost.

This past weekend we attended a family reunion, and one seemingly small interaction between my father in law and his wife was particularly significant for me. (For a bit of background, I am often guilty of engaging in heated discussions with my husband over miscommunications. He will claim that he did or didn't say something to me, and I will fight to the death to prove that he is wrong and that I have a perfect recollection of every conversation). We were loading all the cars to travel together to a remote area, and there was a fair amount of tension in the air as we were trying not to forget anything. My mother in law made a simple suggestion to my father in law, and he rejected her idea (it's likely he misunderstood). A few minutes later, he made a strikingly similar suggestion, and when she pointed out that he had vetoed the same idea moments before, he angrily claimed to have done no such thing. Here's the important part: my mother in law certainly could have been offended by his tone, and he was absolutely in the wrong with his claim. In the same circumstance I probably would have started a battle. However, she just said, "Okay" and moved on. She exhibited humility and self control, and was an awesome example to me!

I thought of that interchange as I read this quote from President Benson's talk:

"Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away."

I am going to work extra hard this week to follow the example of my mother in law and avoid contention in my home. I recognize that the source of much of the contention in my marriage is a result of my own pride. Focusing on being humble and teachable will help me to be a better wife and mother, as well as having a positive influence on every relationship in my life. Increasing my faith will allow me to succeed. Wish me luck!

Faith in Jesus Christ

This week as I pondered the joys and sorrows that are present in every marriage, I enjoyed the opportunity to reflect on how faith in, and commitment to Jesus Christ allows us to rise above our challenges and seek an eternal perspective. 

In my own marriage, I have often selfishly and stubbornly held that my way of thinking or my perspective was the right one, and have refused to see my husband's side. I have judged my husband and based my positive feelings toward him on his conformity to my expectations. In these instances I have ignored not only my own weaknesses, but have showed a severe lack of faith. I have excluded the Savior from our relationship, and have pridefully attempted to steer the ship without a perfect knowledge of the destination. 

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", he perfectly articulates why we need to trust that the Lord is at work perfecting each of us. He says:

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."

That statement was so meaningful to me. My husband and I are together to help each other become what the Lord desires. Each of our strengths and weaknesses are exactly what the other needs. I thought about our first example of earthly marriage, Adam and Eve. They chose to go from the Garden of Eden where they faced no opposition, to this mortal existence fraught with thorns and weeds, where we must work out our salvation amidst trials and tragedies. They knew that without sorrow, they could never know real joy. I had never thought about what it must have been like for them as they progressed through the phases of marriage, learning to work together as husband and wife, then as parents of the children that came to them. I never pondered what it was like for them to lose a child at the hand of another child. How did they support each other? How did they rise above such a trial? 

I read a poem this week that moved me deeply, and gave me an entirely new perspective on Adam and Eve.

Lamentation
by Arta Romney Ballif

And God said, “BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY –“
Multiply, multiply – echoes multiply

God said, “I WILL GREATLY MULTIPLY THY SORROW – “
Thy sorrow, sorrow, sorrow –

I have gotten a man from the Lord
I have traded the fruit of the garden for fruit of my body
For a laughing bundle of humanity.

And now another one who looks like Adam
We shall call this one, “Abel.”
It is a lovely name“Abel.”

Cain, Abel, the world is yours.
God set the sun in the heaven to light your days
To warm the flocks, to kernel the grain
He illuminated your nights with stars
He made the trees and the fruit thereof yielding seed
He made every living thing, the wheat, the sheep, the cattle
For your enjoyment
And, behold, it is very good.

Adam? Adam
Where art thou?
Where are the boys?
The sky darkens with clouds.
Adam, is that you?
Where is Abel?
He is long caring for his flocks.
The sky is black and the rain hammers.
Are the ewes lambing
In this storm?
Why your troubled face, Adam?
Are you ill?
Why so pale, so agitated?
The wind will pass
The lambs will birth
With Abel’s help.

Dead?
What is dead?

Merciful God!

Hurry, bring warm water
I’ll bathe his wounds
Bring clean clothes
Bring herbs.
I’ll heal him.
I am trying to understand.
You said, “Abel is dead.”
But I am skilled with herbs
Remember when he was seven
The fever? Remember how—

Herbs will not heal?
Dead?

And Cain? Where is Cain?
Listen to that thunder.

Cain cursed?
What has happened to him?
God said, “A fugitive and a vagabond?”

But God can’t do that.
They are my sons, too.
I gave them birth
In the valley of pain.
Adam, try to understand
In the valley of pain
I bore them
fugitive?
vagabond?

This is his home
This the soil he loved
Where he toiled for golden wheat
For tasseled corn.

To the hill country?
There are rocks in the hill country
Cain can’t work in the hill country
The nights are cold
Cold and lonely, and the wind gales.

Quick, we must find him
A basket of bread and his coat
I worry, thinking of him wandering
With no place to lay his head.
Cain cursed?
A wanderer, a roamer?
Who will bake his bread and mend his coat?

Abel, my son dead?
And Cain, my son, a fugitive
Two sons
Adam, we had two sons
Both – Oh, Adam –
multiply
sorrow

Dear God, Why?
Tell me again about the fruit
Why?
Please, tell me again
Why?

Can you feel Eve's confusion and pain as she tries to make sense of something so senseless? Adam and Eve had to progress together, learning about sorrow, along with joy. They accepted the Atonement and looked for the Lord's guidance in their lives. I am committed to having more faith, and more trust in my Savior, and to putting my husband first in my life. 

Overcoming the Natural Man

As I continue to read the books I mentioned in last week’s post, I have had the opportunity to do some soul searching and self reflection about my own marriage based on what I am learning.

This week in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, the chapter I read focused on sacrifice in marriage, and submitting our will to the Lord. There are some profoundly beautiful and thought provoking passages in this book! One particular passage provided me the opportunity to examine my expectations. It’s fairly long, but worth the read!

“In every relationship, there is an inevitable tension. It is often worse in marriage than in other relationships, in part because we share so much-money, time, food, space-even our own bodies. Marriage is not only intense but can also last for decades. As we are challenged to form our own little Zion, the natural man resists. ‘For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever…’ (Mosiah 3:19)

Our untamed, uncivilized, unconquered, unchanged natures are ill suited for Zion. We have limited choices: to chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change, or we can depart Zion, disenchanted. Those are the options. Man remains forever enemies to God and marriage-unless we yield ‘to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father’ (Mosiah 3:19).”

As I took inventory of my “natural man” tendencies within my own marriage, I thought about how many times I have made the choice to “chafe and struggle” rather than submit to the Lord’s will for my marriage. Loving and serving my husband shouldn’t be based on whether I think he has loved and served me enough. Rather, it should be based on my desire to create a Zion home where commitment to covenants and commitment to the Lord are the focus.

As I thought about serving my husband and sacrificing for his needs, I was reminded of a touching video about sacrifice and true love in a marriage. I dare you not to cry when you watch it!

Goddard points out that making the choice to submit is not something we can do once and forget it. It takes a new commitment each day to choose the Savior or the natural man. As we practice choosing Christ, the choice becomes easier. I need to see my husband as the Savior sees him: full of goodness and potential. I have often reflected how much easier it is to see the best in our children than our spouses. This week, I am committed to extending the same grace to my husband as I do to my children. Want to join me?

Marital Bliss- Fact or Fiction?

What is the best way to improve your marriage? I just started reading two books about marriage that appear to take different approaches to answering this question.

In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, H. Wallace Goddard sites the parable of the Good Samaritan and suggests that in our marriages, the answers to our problems can be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ-practicing compassion and empathy toward our spouse and elevating ourselves above our mortal weaknesses. One of my favorite quotes so far:

“Jesus’ infinite grace and goodness can conquer our smallness, selfishness, and peevishness. There is no arena of life where this conquest is more needed than in the scuffing and irritations of marriage. Marriage is perfectly designed to provoke us to desperation. It will sometimes leave us injured and half-dead. Priests and Levites, or therapists and advisors-will not ultimately rescue us. They may give us helpful pointers, but they cannot change our souls.”

How profound! I was just remarking to my niece this week as she expressed some frustration with some differences that she was having with her husband that our spouses are the main source of our refinement here on earth. I'm reminded once again of my total dependence on my Savior, and of His power to redeem me from fault finding and score keeping in my marriage. I am excited to continue reading this book, and working hard to invite Christ into my marriage.

The other book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, uses specific behaviors and skills to improve relationships, and relies heavily on the theory that good marriages are based on strong friendships. Dr. Gottman states:

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

The author has done extensive research and has concluded that there are certain behaviors that doom a marriage and certain behaviors that enhance a marriage. He claims to be able to predict divorce with a high percentage of accuracy by observing a couple for a short time. Reading the example interactions he included to illustrate which couples he predicted would succeed, and which couples would divorce made me wonder what he would say to my husband and me if he watched us trying to solve a problem. As I pondered that, it occurred to me that maybe some people are naturally able to develop and continue to nurture that strong friendship that Gottman refers to, and maybe others that Gottman would doom to defeat actually succeed because they partner with the Savior.

In thinking about the two different approaches, I have to conclude (based on my own experiences in marriage) that both improving basic character and acquiring specific skills are needed in combination to have the most success. There have been times when I have seen someone practicing a specific skill, but lacking the emotional connection that makes the skill effective. Without underlying Christlike attributes, behaviors can seem hollow and lack meaning. That's not to say that we shouldn't start somewhere! Sometimes we have to practice showing more charity toward our spouse without having the real desire behind it. They may see through it at first, but as we continue to try, those feelings of charity will come. The Lord won't let us down!