Rule Breakers

This week I was fascinated as I read part of Bernard Poduska's book, "Till Debt Do Us Part". Some of the conflict in my marriage has stemmed from very different money management styles for me and my husband. The chapter I read was focused on rules that follow us into our marriages from our family of origin, and also the typical money management styles according to birth order. My husband is a first born, and I am a last born. I actually laughed out loud as I read the analysis of those birth orders, since my husband and I apparently switched management styles in some sort of Freaky Friday-esque personality swap.

According to research cited by Poduska, first borns place a high value on self control, and view impulse spending as a serious character flaw. They value sacrifice and planning before any purchase, and are often at odds with others over their miserly ways. Conversely, last borns supposedly lack any self control when it comes to money, and will buy whatever they want, whenever they want- regardless of the financial consequences.

The most fascinating thing about the information was that both my husband and I have many of the classic traits of our respective birth orders- he has a need to control and is very driven, while I am extremely easy going and value feelings over results. It's only in the financial realm that we completely depart from expected behaviors. I manage all of the bills and bank accounts and have major frustration over my husband's inability to budget and resist impulse purchases.

As I thought about financial behaviors in each of our family of origin vs. our birth order, I have to conclude that what happens in our family of origin has a more powerful impact than birth order. My husband was raised in a family that lived paycheck to paycheck and moved multiple times each year to find greener grass. They never had enough money to pay their bills, but would go to Disneyland or professional sporting events. On the other hand, my family was very financially secure, but both of my parents are extremely frugal and we never spent money frivolously. Shopping around for the best price and only buying what was needed were ingrained in our minds. In both of our families, both parents seemed to follow the same money philosophy.

Since we have never been able to mesh our money management styles, I wonder what traits our children will take away from our family?

The Importance of Conseling Together

I've been thinking a lot lately about how important it is to take the time in marriage to have one on one councils with your spouse. I've been married to my husband for 24 years, and though we've had many family councils, we have never made a point to regularly counsel together one on one in an organized, pre-determined meeting. I read a chapter this week from Elder M. Russell Ballard's book "Counseling with Councils" where he outlined the pattern of appropriate council meetings from the highest church councils involving the First Presidency and Quorum of the twelve to small councils held at the ward level. Respect and humility are key factors in a successful council, and miraculous revelation can be received as those in a council participate as guided by the Holy Ghost.

President Stephen L. Richards said:

“I don’t know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church...without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. The Council of the Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, the Council of the Stake Presidency, or quorum, if you choose to use that work, the Council of the Bishopric, and the quorum or Council of the Quorum Presidency. I have had enough experience to know the value of councils. Hardly a day passes but I see the wisdom, God’s wisdom, in creating councils… to govern His kingdom. In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly divergent views and far different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord, and that accord… represents the wisdom of the council, acting under the Spirit.”

Isn't marriage the ultimate organization within the church? If husband and wife prayerfully counseled together regularly to humbly hear each other's views and come to a consensus about every issue in their relationship or family, imagine how much less contention and resentment there would be! I am excited to implement councils into my marriage. I know that we will be blessed as we use the Lord's pattern for decision making in our marriage. 

Fidelity Traps

As I pondered the concept of purity and fidelity in marriage this week, my initial impression was that I am grateful that I have never really struggled with temptation to be untrue to my husband. However, the question came to me that while I have never developed a relationship with another man that could in any way be construed as disloyal or inappropriate, could my critical thoughts about my husband and what think he should be like, and wish he would be like be considered a lack of emotional fidelity? Am I creating an impossible standard for him, and withholding my own best efforts until he becomes that made-up, perfect man? I'm not cheating on him, but am I cheating him out of the love and affection I should be giving to who he is now, instead of always wishing he were something different?

Thinking about it differently motivated me to be on guard for any future issues that would undermine my complete fidelity to my husband. I'm sure the majority of those who fall into the trap of infidelity never imagined that they would be untrue to their spouse. In his book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage," Goddard provides a list of 10 guidelines that can prevent infidelity in marriage:

1. Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. Do not look on another woman or man with lust. Do not entertain mental fantasies of romance or passion. Do not let your mind be poisoned with the sick encounters in soap operas, worldly literature, or any form of pornography.

2. Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse. Guard the level of emotional intimacy you build with a non-spouse.

3. Take responsibility for the messages that you give. You do not have the right to be "cute" or flirty with anyone but your spouse. Do not use cards, gifts or charm to win the affection of anyone who is not your spouse.

4. Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone. Push daydreaming of any person but your spouse out of your mind promptly. When you are worried about the intruder, pray for him or her and trust Heavenly Father to care for him or her. The untangling of excuses and emotional dependence can be the hardest part of overcoming the addiction.

5. If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. Get help. Talk with your bishop or stake president. Seek out the help of friends who will help you overcome your addiction.

6. Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. Have weekly dates doing those things that you enjoy together. Find ways to improve your relationship. Be patient. Recognize that many of our frustrations with our spouses are built on the false assumption that they ought to be a certain way. Change your assumptions. Recognize that even the best marriages have more or less satisfying times. Be patient. Be true to your covenants. Enjoy your partner as he or she is. It is easy to believe that things will never be right with your spouse. Trust the Lord that He can heal all wounds.

7. Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer. Ask for strength to put temptation out of your mind. Fill your empty places with service, scripture study, and love for your family.

8. Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't allow yourself to spend time alone with the person. Avoiding is better than resisting. Make your spouse a partner in all of your efforts to help a person of the opposite sex.

9. Keep your soul free of the soul-numbing barrenness of pornography. The greatest sin of pornography may be that it reduces the sacrament of intimacy to a random and wanton act of self-gratification. Preserve or renew your awe in the blessing of simple acts of affection.

10. Celebrate the sweet gift of companionship. The amazing message from our marriage partners is: "I'm trusting you with my life, my body, my hopes, my dreams. Please be kind and gentle." Each of us should rejoice in the sacred gift of spousal trust. If we have squandered any part of it, we should work to re-qualify for it.

I am committed to being more watchful of my own level of fidelity to my husband and my marriage. I hope this list will help you to inventory your own relationships and make sure that you do not get caught in a trap of infidelity!

Gems

As I finished reading the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard this week, I tried hard to internalize some of the valuable insights and truths that I have learned as I read.
I think I have had more "aha" moments while reading this book than I have for a long time.

This week I read the chapter on Charity, (which has really been an underlying theme throughout the book) in addition to the conclusion and epilogue. I felt a real sense that I have the power to change and improve my marriage, and I also felt that I have needed to practice more humility in facing the challenges that I have in my marriage. I actually feel such sadness that I was not able to see a better way 24 years ago. I know that many of the problems that I have thought were insurmountable and not at all my fault could have been minimized or even overcome if I would have had more understanding of what the marriage covenant requires of me. I am definitely making both of the books from my marriage class required reading for my children when they get engaged!

One small part of Goddard's conclusion had a profound impact on me. He is actually quoting Catherine Thomas:

"Much of the emotional pain that we have does not come from the love that we were not given in the past, but from the love that we ourselves are not giving in the present."

As I thought about the times when I have felt slighted in some way, or times that I have blamed my husband for not making me feel loved or appreciated enough, I pondered the idea that maybe the solution all along was to love him more freely. The Savior has taught us to love and forgive over and over again. And yet I hold grudges and give less than my best to punish my husband's weaknesses, instead of shining a laser light on his strengths and rejoicing in them.

President Ezra Taft Benson once delivered a powerful message:

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expend their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life."

I am committed to moving forward with faith that God can make my marriage so much more beautiful than I ever imagined if I am willing to turn it over to Him. I want my husband to know that I am his greatest cheerleader and can see the goodness in him. Some practical ways I am trying to do these things:

• Praying and studying the scriptures each day with my mind turned to allowing my Heavenly Father to improve my marriage.
• Praying for my husband's happiness.
• Pausing before I speak if I feel annoyed or critical of my husband, and then speaking an encouraging thought instead.
• Finding time every day to tell my husband something I sincerely appreciate about him.
• Telling other people positive things about my husband.

I have already seen positive changes, and have faith that my marriage will become better and better the more and harder I try. 

Consecration

Every week I have a little more gratitude for the gems of truth that I learn in the marriage class I am currently taking. This week was certainly no exception as we studied about managing conflict and consecration. I am learning more and more that knowledge is power, and having specific tools to use to improve marriage is a powerful thing. I find myself reacting less, and thinking more when conflict arises in my relationships.

I was particularly touched by the chapter I read in H. Wallace Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" about consecration. Goddard referenced the story of Abraham and Isaac to illustrate consecration.  Most of us have heard the poignant story of Abraham and Sarah who desired a son all their lives, and then were miraculously blessed with Isaac in their old age. As I reflected on the grace of my Heavenly Father in blessing my husband and I with a beautiful daughter through adoption, when my body could no longer carry more biological children, I felt that I had a glimpse of how much Abraham and Sarah must have cherished and adored Isaac. How would I have reacted to learning that God required my precious Mia to be sacrificed? Would I have been as faithful as Abraham? Probably not. And what if I were Isaac? Would I die to prove my devotion to God?

But how does Abraham and Isaac's experience relate to marriage? Here is Goddard's explanation:

"Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration. Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls."

I thought a lot about the idea of consecrating myself to my husband. Have I always dedicated myself to the sacred unity of our marriage? Have I been willing to sacrifice my own ideas of how things should be done? Have I worried less about his behavior and more about mine? There is plenty of room for me to be more devoted to the important things, and less worried about the little things. I know that my husband is a beloved son of God, and God trusts me to be his committed companion, consecrating everything I have to helping us both return to His presence- perfected and unified.

Pride Goeth Before the Fall

This week in my marriage class we discussed the importance of humility in marriage, and allowing our spouse to influence us. I had the opportunity to read an awesome talk by Ezra Taft Benson that I hadn't read for years. If you have never read it, or haven't read it for a long time, I highly recommend it! This talk was a reminder of how pride can destroy our relationships and halt our eternal progression. I thought a lot about times when I have been prideful in my relationship with my husband, and missed opportunities to be influenced by the Holy Ghost.

This past weekend we attended a family reunion, and one seemingly small interaction between my father in law and his wife was particularly significant for me. (For a bit of background, I am often guilty of engaging in heated discussions with my husband over miscommunications. He will claim that he did or didn't say something to me, and I will fight to the death to prove that he is wrong and that I have a perfect recollection of every conversation). We were loading all the cars to travel together to a remote area, and there was a fair amount of tension in the air as we were trying not to forget anything. My mother in law made a simple suggestion to my father in law, and he rejected her idea (it's likely he misunderstood). A few minutes later, he made a strikingly similar suggestion, and when she pointed out that he had vetoed the same idea moments before, he angrily claimed to have done no such thing. Here's the important part: my mother in law certainly could have been offended by his tone, and he was absolutely in the wrong with his claim. In the same circumstance I probably would have started a battle. However, she just said, "Okay" and moved on. She exhibited humility and self control, and was an awesome example to me!

I thought of that interchange as I read this quote from President Benson's talk:

"Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away."

I am going to work extra hard this week to follow the example of my mother in law and avoid contention in my home. I recognize that the source of much of the contention in my marriage is a result of my own pride. Focusing on being humble and teachable will help me to be a better wife and mother, as well as having a positive influence on every relationship in my life. Increasing my faith will allow me to succeed. Wish me luck!

Faith in Jesus Christ

This week as I pondered the joys and sorrows that are present in every marriage, I enjoyed the opportunity to reflect on how faith in, and commitment to Jesus Christ allows us to rise above our challenges and seek an eternal perspective. 

In my own marriage, I have often selfishly and stubbornly held that my way of thinking or my perspective was the right one, and have refused to see my husband's side. I have judged my husband and based my positive feelings toward him on his conformity to my expectations. In these instances I have ignored not only my own weaknesses, but have showed a severe lack of faith. I have excluded the Savior from our relationship, and have pridefully attempted to steer the ship without a perfect knowledge of the destination. 

In Goddard's book "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", he perfectly articulates why we need to trust that the Lord is at work perfecting each of us. He says:

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us. When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner. The more we trust God's purposes in perfecting our partners (and don't try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress."

That statement was so meaningful to me. My husband and I are together to help each other become what the Lord desires. Each of our strengths and weaknesses are exactly what the other needs. I thought about our first example of earthly marriage, Adam and Eve. They chose to go from the Garden of Eden where they faced no opposition, to this mortal existence fraught with thorns and weeds, where we must work out our salvation amidst trials and tragedies. They knew that without sorrow, they could never know real joy. I had never thought about what it must have been like for them as they progressed through the phases of marriage, learning to work together as husband and wife, then as parents of the children that came to them. I never pondered what it was like for them to lose a child at the hand of another child. How did they support each other? How did they rise above such a trial? 

I read a poem this week that moved me deeply, and gave me an entirely new perspective on Adam and Eve.

Lamentation
by Arta Romney Ballif

And God said, “BE FRUITFUL, AND MULTIPLY –“
Multiply, multiply – echoes multiply

God said, “I WILL GREATLY MULTIPLY THY SORROW – “
Thy sorrow, sorrow, sorrow –

I have gotten a man from the Lord
I have traded the fruit of the garden for fruit of my body
For a laughing bundle of humanity.

And now another one who looks like Adam
We shall call this one, “Abel.”
It is a lovely name“Abel.”

Cain, Abel, the world is yours.
God set the sun in the heaven to light your days
To warm the flocks, to kernel the grain
He illuminated your nights with stars
He made the trees and the fruit thereof yielding seed
He made every living thing, the wheat, the sheep, the cattle
For your enjoyment
And, behold, it is very good.

Adam? Adam
Where art thou?
Where are the boys?
The sky darkens with clouds.
Adam, is that you?
Where is Abel?
He is long caring for his flocks.
The sky is black and the rain hammers.
Are the ewes lambing
In this storm?
Why your troubled face, Adam?
Are you ill?
Why so pale, so agitated?
The wind will pass
The lambs will birth
With Abel’s help.

Dead?
What is dead?

Merciful God!

Hurry, bring warm water
I’ll bathe his wounds
Bring clean clothes
Bring herbs.
I’ll heal him.
I am trying to understand.
You said, “Abel is dead.”
But I am skilled with herbs
Remember when he was seven
The fever? Remember how—

Herbs will not heal?
Dead?

And Cain? Where is Cain?
Listen to that thunder.

Cain cursed?
What has happened to him?
God said, “A fugitive and a vagabond?”

But God can’t do that.
They are my sons, too.
I gave them birth
In the valley of pain.
Adam, try to understand
In the valley of pain
I bore them
fugitive?
vagabond?

This is his home
This the soil he loved
Where he toiled for golden wheat
For tasseled corn.

To the hill country?
There are rocks in the hill country
Cain can’t work in the hill country
The nights are cold
Cold and lonely, and the wind gales.

Quick, we must find him
A basket of bread and his coat
I worry, thinking of him wandering
With no place to lay his head.
Cain cursed?
A wanderer, a roamer?
Who will bake his bread and mend his coat?

Abel, my son dead?
And Cain, my son, a fugitive
Two sons
Adam, we had two sons
Both – Oh, Adam –
multiply
sorrow

Dear God, Why?
Tell me again about the fruit
Why?
Please, tell me again
Why?

Can you feel Eve's confusion and pain as she tries to make sense of something so senseless? Adam and Eve had to progress together, learning about sorrow, along with joy. They accepted the Atonement and looked for the Lord's guidance in their lives. I am committed to having more faith, and more trust in my Savior, and to putting my husband first in my life. 

Overcoming the Natural Man

As I continue to read the books I mentioned in last week’s post, I have had the opportunity to do some soul searching and self reflection about my own marriage based on what I am learning.

This week in “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, the chapter I read focused on sacrifice in marriage, and submitting our will to the Lord. There are some profoundly beautiful and thought provoking passages in this book! One particular passage provided me the opportunity to examine my expectations. It’s fairly long, but worth the read!

“In every relationship, there is an inevitable tension. It is often worse in marriage than in other relationships, in part because we share so much-money, time, food, space-even our own bodies. Marriage is not only intense but can also last for decades. As we are challenged to form our own little Zion, the natural man resists. ‘For the natural [spouse] is an enemy to God [and partner], and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever…’ (Mosiah 3:19)

Our untamed, uncivilized, unconquered, unchanged natures are ill suited for Zion. We have limited choices: to chafe and struggle in unsatisfying relationships, or put our natures on the altar for God to change, or we can depart Zion, disenchanted. Those are the options. Man remains forever enemies to God and marriage-unless we yield ‘to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father’ (Mosiah 3:19).”

As I took inventory of my “natural man” tendencies within my own marriage, I thought about how many times I have made the choice to “chafe and struggle” rather than submit to the Lord’s will for my marriage. Loving and serving my husband shouldn’t be based on whether I think he has loved and served me enough. Rather, it should be based on my desire to create a Zion home where commitment to covenants and commitment to the Lord are the focus.

As I thought about serving my husband and sacrificing for his needs, I was reminded of a touching video about sacrifice and true love in a marriage. I dare you not to cry when you watch it!

Goddard points out that making the choice to submit is not something we can do once and forget it. It takes a new commitment each day to choose the Savior or the natural man. As we practice choosing Christ, the choice becomes easier. I need to see my husband as the Savior sees him: full of goodness and potential. I have often reflected how much easier it is to see the best in our children than our spouses. This week, I am committed to extending the same grace to my husband as I do to my children. Want to join me?

Marital Bliss- Fact or Fiction?

What is the best way to improve your marriage? I just started reading two books about marriage that appear to take different approaches to answering this question.

In the book “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage”, H. Wallace Goddard sites the parable of the Good Samaritan and suggests that in our marriages, the answers to our problems can be found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ-practicing compassion and empathy toward our spouse and elevating ourselves above our mortal weaknesses. One of my favorite quotes so far:

“Jesus’ infinite grace and goodness can conquer our smallness, selfishness, and peevishness. There is no arena of life where this conquest is more needed than in the scuffing and irritations of marriage. Marriage is perfectly designed to provoke us to desperation. It will sometimes leave us injured and half-dead. Priests and Levites, or therapists and advisors-will not ultimately rescue us. They may give us helpful pointers, but they cannot change our souls.”

How profound! I was just remarking to my niece this week as she expressed some frustration with some differences that she was having with her husband that our spouses are the main source of our refinement here on earth. I'm reminded once again of my total dependence on my Savior, and of His power to redeem me from fault finding and score keeping in my marriage. I am excited to continue reading this book, and working hard to invite Christ into my marriage.

The other book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, uses specific behaviors and skills to improve relationships, and relies heavily on the theory that good marriages are based on strong friendships. Dr. Gottman states:

“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”

The author has done extensive research and has concluded that there are certain behaviors that doom a marriage and certain behaviors that enhance a marriage. He claims to be able to predict divorce with a high percentage of accuracy by observing a couple for a short time. Reading the example interactions he included to illustrate which couples he predicted would succeed, and which couples would divorce made me wonder what he would say to my husband and me if he watched us trying to solve a problem. As I pondered that, it occurred to me that maybe some people are naturally able to develop and continue to nurture that strong friendship that Gottman refers to, and maybe others that Gottman would doom to defeat actually succeed because they partner with the Savior.

In thinking about the two different approaches, I have to conclude (based on my own experiences in marriage) that both improving basic character and acquiring specific skills are needed in combination to have the most success. There have been times when I have seen someone practicing a specific skill, but lacking the emotional connection that makes the skill effective. Without underlying Christlike attributes, behaviors can seem hollow and lack meaning. That's not to say that we shouldn't start somewhere! Sometimes we have to practice showing more charity toward our spouse without having the real desire behind it. They may see through it at first, but as we continue to try, those feelings of charity will come. The Lord won't let us down!

Contracts and Covenants

This week I did some reading on what it takes to have a covenant marriage. In our modern society, many marriages fail because the relationship is based more on a contract than on a covenant. In a contract relationship, each party is expected to give 50% so all things are fair and equitable. In a covenant relationship, each party gives 100% and places the needs of their partner above their own.

I was particularly impressed with a talk by Bruce C. Hafen about covenant marriage. He described three wolves that threaten every marriage. I pondered how each of these wolves applied to my own marriage.

I thought about the first wolf of natural adversity. Some of the recent trials that we have faced include the stress of caring for my aging parents in our home, and some unexpected injuries and illnesses that have taxed our finances. I thought about how difficult it is not to allow resentment to enter into our relationship when one of us perceives that the other is not pulling his weight, or blames the other for unfortunate incidents that cause hardship for our family.

Reflecting on the second wolf of our own imperfections led me to some profound thoughts and realizations about myself and about my husband. I became more aware of how I overlook my own weaknesses at times, and yet cannot resist shining a spotlight on my husband’s. We all have need of improvement in one way or another, and sometimes when we see our own flaws in another person, we are more harsh than we should be. I was reminded of the power of encouragement, and want to be better at making my husband feel valued instead of criticized.

The third wolf of excessive individualism is difficult to overcome when we are constantly bombarded with the ideas of the world that tell us that we need to look out for ourselves, and that we should not be dependent on anyone. I have found that when I feel determined to exert my independence, there is more distance between me and my husband. We need to need each other- it binds us together. I loved Elder Hafen’s quote at the end of his talk:

“May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant. Then, like Adam and Eve, we will have joy.”

The Definition of Marriage

Last summer, my family found ourselves in a unique setting. We had planned a family trip to San Francisco, and unknowingly ended up walking down Castro Street (the center of a neighborhood known for it's rainbow crosswalks and gay population) on Friday, June 26th. We were completely unaware that the Supreme Court had announced their landmark ruling on same sex marriage just moments earlier. The remainder of the weekend was filled with celebrations (none of which seemed family friendly, so we had to alter our originally planned destinations...) It was a stark contrast to years earlier when, after months of door to door petitioning, waving signs on the street, and attending rallies as requested by the leaders of our church we celebrated the victory of Proposition 8 in California, which officially defined marriage as between a man and a woman.

After the effort that we obediently gave in support of Proposition 8, we couldn't help but feel like it was wasted now that the supreme court had overruled the will of the people. I am embarrassed to say that until this week, I had never invested the time to read the official supreme court ruling. I have, at times, felt torn by my devotion to the standard of the traditional family, and my compassion for those with same sex attraction who have a desire to experience a committed relationship. Reading the official ruling has given me intelligent reasons, separate from my moral beliefs, to oppose this particular action by the supreme court. If you haven't read it, I would certainly encourage you to. It is worth wading through the legalese and investing the time.

I wanted to share a few quotes from the dissenting judges that helped shape my perspective on the ruling. I hope they will give you new insights as well, and give you more confidence to discuss your opposition to the ruling. I hope you are inspired to read the entire document, and better comprehend its significance.

Justice Roberts:
But this Court is not a legislature. Whether same-sex marriage is a good idea should be of no concern to us. Under the Constitution, judges have power to say what the law is, not what it should be. The people who ratified the Constitution authorized courts to exercise “neither force nor will but merely judgment.”
Nowhere is the majority’s extravagant conception of judicial supremacy more evident than in its description— and dismissal—of the public debate regarding same-sex marriage. Yes, the majority concedes, on one side are thousands of years of human history in every society known to have populated the planet. But on the other side, there has been “extensive litigation,” “many thoughtful District Court decisions,” “countless studies, papers, books, and other popular and scholarly writings,” and “more than 100” amicus briefs in these cases alone.  What would be the point of allowing the democratic process to go on? It is high time for the Court to decide the meaning of marriage, based on five lawyers’ “better informed understanding” of “a liberty that remains urgent in our own era.” The answer is surely there in one of those amicus briefs or studies.


Justice Scalia:
Judges are selected precisely for their skill as lawyers; whether they reflect the policy views of a particular constituency is not (or should not be) relevant. Not surprisingly then, the Federal Judiciary is hardly a cross-section of America. Take, for example, this Court, which consists of only nine men and women, all of them successful lawyers who studied at Harvard or Yale Law School. Four of the nine are natives of New York City. Eight of them grew up in east- and west-coast States. Only one hails from the vast expanse in-between. Not a single Southwesterner or even, to tell the truth, a genuine Westerner (California does not count). Not a single evangelical Christian (a group that comprises about one quarter of Americans), or even a Protestant of any denomination. The strikingly unrepresentative character of the body voting on today’s social upheaval would be irrelevant if they were functioning as judges, answering the legal question whether the American people had ever ratified a constitutional provision that was understood to proscribe the traditional definition of marriage. But of course the Justices in today’s majority are not voting on that basis; they say they are not. And to allow the policy question of same-sex marriage to be considered and resolved by a select, patrician, highly unrepresentative panel of nine is to violate a principle even more fundamental than no taxation without representation: no social transformation without representation.

Justice Thomas:
Nor, under the broader definition, can they claim that the States have restricted their ability to go about their daily lives as they would be able to absent governmental restrictions. Petitioners do not ask this Court to order the States to stop restricting their ability to enter same-sex relationships, to engage in intimate behavior, to make vows to their partners in public ceremonies, to engage in religious wedding ceremonies, to hold themselves out as married, or to raise children. The States have imposed no such restrictions. Nor have the States prevented petitioners from approximating a number of incidents of marriage through private legal means, such as wills, trusts, and powers of attorney. Instead, the States have refused to grant them governmental entitlements. Petitioners claim that as a matter of “liberty,” they are entitled to access privileges and benefits that exist solely because of the government. They want, for example, to receive the State’s imprimatur on their marriages—on state issued marriage licenses, death certificates, or other official forms. And they want to receive various monetary benefits, including reduced inheritance taxes upon the death of a spouse, compensation if a spouse dies as a result of a work-related injury, or loss of consortium damages in tort suits. But receiving governmental recognition and benefits has nothing to do with any understanding of “liberty” that the Framers would have recognized. To the extent that the Framers would have recognized a natural right to marriage that fell within the broader definition of liberty, it would not have included a right to governmental recognition and benefits. Instead, it would have included a right to engage in the very same activities that petitioners have been left free to engage in—making vows, holding religious ceremonies celebrating those vows, raising children, and otherwise enjoying the society of one’s spouse—without governmental interference. At the founding, such conduct was understood to predate government, not to flow from it. As Locke had explained many years earlier, “The first society was between man and wife, which gave beginning to that between parents and children.”

Chains Can Be Broken!

Are we all just destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents?

Some family patterns, such as abuse, seem to carry from one generation to the next, leaving broken hearts and families in their wake. This week, I read an article by Carlfred Broderick, professor of sociology, University of Southern California. In his article, he addressed a phenomenon that I have witnessed in my own life. This concept is the presence of "Transitional Characters" in families that are caught in negative cycles. Here is his explanation:

"Indeed, my experience in various church callings and in my profession as a family therapist has convinced me that God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to 'purge' the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed."

How hopeful and beautiful is that? In my relationships, I have had the privilege of associating with more than one "transitional character." I have seen the victim of a third-generation abuser choose to end the cycle with his own children. Is it easy? Certainly not. Behavior patterns and scars of abuse always fight to rear their ugly heads. However, with determination and the help of the Almighty, all things are possible!

Abuse is not the only chain that is difficult to break through generations. Another "transitional character" in my life has broken a chain of inactivity in the church. Three generations of missed opportunities to become a covenant making and keeping family did not keep him from altering the course of his own life. He made a few key choices and now enjoys an eternal union with his wife and five children, who are also doing their best to honor their own temple covenants. 

In my experience, those struggling to end the darkness of their past have another common denominator besides divine intervention: a mentor. It's important to have a real life example of positive behavior, and to feel loved and valued despite a challenging past. Maybe I can look a little harder for someone who needs a helping hand to take that first step. Someone trying to struggle toward the light, but needing a boost. Maybe you can too!